


Destiny Rules

by turtleback



Category: Rizzoli & Isles
Genre: Angst, Drama, F/F, Friendship/Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-05
Updated: 2013-07-02
Packaged: 2017-11-23 17:10:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 18,165
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/624567
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/turtleback/pseuds/turtleback
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This story is set after Episode 3.15. Maura decides she needs to go away for a little while to gain some new perspective on the relationships in her life as her friendship with Jane has become strained. Jane is trying to make things work with Casey but begins to question that decision. This is a story of how they find their way back to each other. Spoilers for Season 3.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Detective Jane Rizzoli couldn't sit still. She bounced her right leg up and down on the ball of her foot. Her left hand tapped a pen against her desk. She kept picking up her phone and looking at it, then glancing at wall clock, and then the email on her computer before starting the pattern over. Jane would never say it out loud, it was disrespectful and bad luck besides, but she could have really used a murder right now just to give her something to do.

"Why don't you just email her?" her partner Barry Frost said from his seat across from Jane's desk. "Either that or go home because you're driving me crazy."

"I don't remember asking you for advice," Jane replied.

Frost ignored that and said, "Of course if you do email her, then you'll just be sitting here fidgeting while you wait for a response, so it probably won't make any difference for my sanity."

"Agh, you are so aggravating," Jane growled, but she did open a new email on her computer and started typing the email she had composed in her head days ago.

Dear Maura,  
I'm sorry if I am bothering you. I know you said you needed space but I just want to know that you are safe and okay. Please respond and let me know how you're doing.  
I miss you.  
J

Jane clicked send and then glanced at the clock and calculated the six hour time difference. It was almost midnight in Paris, assuming Maura was still there, and there was no reason to expect Maura to respond to the email immediately. She stood up and said, "I'm going home."

"Good," Frost said. "Now I can relax and get some work done."

"Yeah, yeah. See you tomorrow, partner," Jane said, already walking to the door.

"Goodnight, Jane," Frost called after her.

Jane didn't go home, instead she went to Casey's apartment. Somehow she had managed to get him to delay surgery for a few months. Maybe it was just the terrifying articles Maura had given her that she had passed on to Casey or maybe she had finally gotten through to him and convinced him that she liked him regardless of his injury. Either way, he had agreed to go see the specialist Maura knew in order to get another opinion and then he agreed to wait a little longer and see if he could make any more improvements through physical therapy.

He was in better spirits for a few weeks after the consult with the new doctor and Jane was encouraged. Casey stopped pushing her away and they finally started spending real time together again. They worked out together a lot and she did his physical therapy exercises with him. She tried to get Casey to move in with her since his apartment was kind of a depressing dump, but he wouldn't move. He said her apartment was too small for both them, plus her building didn't have an elevator. He was right on both accounts but Jane felt like she had done what she could by at least suggesting it.

Jane entered Casey's apartment with the key he had given her and found him stretched out on the couch with a book. "Hey, how was your day?"

"Fine. I worked out for quite a bit today. How was yours?"

"Boring," Jane answered. "Hey, let's do something tonight. Wanna go out to dinner?"

"I don't think so. I'm pretty tired."

Jane stood looking at Casey for a moment. He had hardly looked at her, his attention focused on his book. She hadn't gotten rid of the restlessness that had plagued her all day. She wanted something to take her mind off of worrying about Maura and how she was and if she was going to reply to her email or not.

Jane grabbed Casey's book out of his hands and set it aside. Then she straddled him, sitting on his stomach and giving him a quick kiss on the lips. "Come on Case, let's have some fun together."

He turned his head away from her. "I told you, I can't do this right now. Not when I can't...perform."

"There's so many other ways we could enjoy each other. And what if you're wrong? You haven't even let me try," Jane pleaded.

"It doesn't work like that. You know how I feel about this and it didn't bother you before," Casey said as Jane got off of him and back on her feet.

"It would still be nice if you gave me some indication that you're attracted to me and want to be with me," she said angrily.

Casey looked up at her surprised and a little hurt. "What's going on with you today? Did something happen?"

"No, nothing happened today. Nothing at all," Jane sighed. "I should go."

"That's probably a good idea," Casey said coldly.

Jane went home to her own apartment. She grabbed two beers and a plate of lasagna her mother had left there for her and took them to the living room where she slumped on the couch. She took a few bites of cold lasagna and then finished off one of the beers in a few gulps.

She tipped her head back against the back of the couch, closed her eyes, and thought back to her last conversations with Maura, analyzing them for probably the hundredth time since Maura left. Each time Jane wondered if there was something she should have said or even could have said that would have made Maura stay.

In the past few days she had realized that it wasn't a single thing. It wasn't just Maura leaving or donating her kidney, or Jane being distracted by Casey's surgery, but that there had been a lot of little things that contributed to the distance that existed between them right now. There was no one thing Jane could have done or said to keep Maura here because recently there were too many ways in which she had failed Maura and now Jane had to figure out how to fix that.

~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~

_~~ ~~3 weeks earlier~~ ~~_

_Jane came bursting into Maura's house and into the living room where Maura was sitting. "What the hell, Maura?"_

_"What?" Maura calmly replied._

_"Korsak just told me that you're taking an indefinite leave of absence."_

_Maura remained still. She looked tired and was still paler than usual, both evidence of her recent surgery. "Yes, I am."_

_"Why?" Jane cried, unable to keep her voice calm._

_"I need a break from work and everything else. After everything I just went through with Hope I need to get away. I haven't taken any time for myself in too long and I can't keep going like this. This seems like the right time to take a break. I need to rejuvenate."_

_Jane calmed down a little. She couldn't argue with what Maura was saying. "What are you going to do?"_

_"I'm going to Paris. I leave Sunday."_

_"What? You just had surgery. You can't leave already."_

_"As long as everything is fine at my follow-up appointment on Friday then my doctor says I'm fine to travel. As long as I continue to take it easy and not over-exert myself I'll be fine."_

_Jane had started pacing and she paused briefly to say, "Why can't you rejuvenate here? I'll take care of you. Ma will take care you."_

_Maura shook her head. "That's part of why I need to go away. Our lives have become so intertwined, Jane. So intertwined that I don't have a life outside of you and your family. I need some space to find myself again."_

_"You mean you have to get away from me? You have to go across an ocean because you need space from me?" Jane questioned._

_"That isn't what I said and you should not think of it like that."_

_"I have no idea what to think other than my best friend doesn't want to be around me anymore. What else should I think?"_

_Maura had become frustrated with Jane's attitude and she didn't have the energy to censor herself anymore anyway. Before she could stop herself she said, "I have to go away so that I can get over you."_

_That statement at least got Jane to stop pacing. She looked at Maura in confusion. "Get over me?"_

_Maura sighed. "I didn't mean to say that, at least not like this."_

_"What does that mean exactly?"_

_"It means that I love you. I love you completely and I thought I could just live with it, that I could live with these feelings and be happy with our friendship and not need anything else. That was enough for a long time. But you have Casey now. The past couple of months, while I've been going through everything with Hope, I realized that I need to find someone who loves me completely too. I realized that I have to get over you so I can move on with my life."_

_Jane had sunk into a chair while Maura was talking. "I...um...I didn't know. Honestly, I had no idea."_

_"I'm not expecting anything from you," Maura said. "I never intended to tell you."_

_"But this whole vacation trip thing is because you do need to get away from me," Jane said after a moment._

_"Not everything is about you, Jane," Maura snapped. Maura closed her eyes. "I'm sorry. I...I'm very tired. I'm going to go upstairs and take a nap, if you don't mind."_

_Jane was still struggling to comprehend everything Maura was telling her and knew she hadn't responded very well yet. "Of course. Do you need any help?"_

_Maura shook her head. "No, thank you. I'll be fine."_

_Jane stood up and held out a hand to help Maura stand. "I'll go then and let you sleep."_

_On Sunday, Jane insisted on taking Maura to the airport, even parking in the closest garage to her terminal so she could bring Maura's suitcases to the check-in counter for her. Jane had envisioned talking Maura out of going during their ride, but found that she couldn't figure out what to say so they ended up spending the entire ride in silence._

_After Maura was checked in, Jane walked her to the security line. "Do you know how long you're going for?"_

_"No, I'm not sure yet."_

_"Is there anything I can say to make you change your mind about going?"_

_"No, there isn't."_

_Jane stepped closer and pulled Maura into a hug. "Take care of yourself, okay?" Jane said into Maura's ear._

_"I will," Maura said. She tried to pull away but Jane still held on to her. She pulled her head back and said, "You take care of yourself, too." She lightly pressed her lips to the corner of Jane's mouth before turning away and walking into the line to go through security._

~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~

Maura lay in bed reading in her parent's apartment in Paris. Her attention was drawn to her phone when out of the corner of her eye she saw the screen light up indicating the arrival of a new email.

Upon seeing Jane's name on the screen Maura felt her stomach flutter, but she couldn't have pinpointed the exact emotion behind it. Part happiness and part relief, but also something else. Regret maybe. A little disappointment that it took more than two weeks for Jane to contact her, even though she asked Jane for space.

Maura read Jane's email and tried not to over-analyze every word of it while she considered if and how she should respond.

She couldn't hide away forever but she hadn't done much to accomplish what she had left to do. She came to Paris so that she could spend time in a new city, meet new people, and take her mind off of Jane. But she was still recovering from the surgery and so far had largely spent time in her parent's apartment and if she went out it was with her mother.

She had to change that. She had to get out and figure out how to live her life again. But perhaps she didn't need to completely cut herself off. Maura opened the email again on her phone and hit reply.

Dear Jane,  
I'm with my mother in Paris and doing fine. My father is going to be joining us soon as well. I'm still recovering from the surgery but feeling better every day.  
I hope you are doing well.  
I miss you too.  
Maura

Maura read over the email. She hoped it came across as friendly and gave Jane the impression that if she wanted to write back she could. And she hoped that if Jane did write back it be okay, but that was part of the point of the vacation, to recalibrate her feelings toward Jane and their relationship. Perhaps having some communication would be good for her. Maura took a deep breath and hit send.


	2. Chapter 2

Maura stood before the Gates of Hell. Auguste Rodin's original twenty foot tall plaster sculpture was housed at the Musee d'Orsay at which Maura had spent much of the afternoon. Earlier in the week she had roused herself to leave the apartment and go for a walk alone. She had done that every day since and today when she passed by the museum she decided to come inside.

Maura looked at her watch. It was time to go back to her parent's apartment to get ready for dinner. The trip had been nice so far. She was able to spend a lot of time with her mother, and now her father, whom she almost never saw and only talked to every few months, had arrived to spend time with her as well. But in terms of the real purpose of the trip, getting the distance she needed to think clearly about her relationship with Jane and coming to terms with the reality that Jane was never going to want more than a friendship with her, it had so far been less successful. All she did was think about Jane and everything she saw reminded her of Jane in some way or made her wish Jane was there to see it with her.

Maura's mother had raised her to appreciate art in all forms, starting from when she was a little girl. She'd been to every museum in Paris multiple times. Any trip they ever took as a family included trips to museums of every size and style and included her mother's lectures on composition, materials, color, texture, balance, symmetry, and perspective. But Maura was always more impressed with the technical skill required to create such beautiful art rather than the beauty itself. She had always liked sculpture the best. She appreciated the skill required to create a painting or other art, but sculpture was taking something that already existed, and on its own was usually quite plain or common, and transforming it into something beautiful.

Maura was relieved, if even perhaps a also surprised, to find that appreciating sculpture hadn't been tainted by Dennis. She didn't look at the sculpted figures and see corpses and they didn't immediately remind her of how close she came to death. Dennis was a monster not an artist.

He first showed up right after she and Jane had reconciled after the disaster at the warehouse with Patrick Doyle. Maura hated fighting with Jane and she hated letting it drag on so long, but Jane had acted so selfishly at first it just made her more angry. She stubbornly clung to that anger as it grew to include not only anger about Jane shooting her father, but also, irrationally, anger at Jane for being so blind to Maura's feelings for her and how that affected her.

After they reconciled Maura resolved to tell Jane about her feelings but before she could work up the courage, Casey reappeared, and in the worst possible way. When it became clear Jane wasn't going to get over Casey like Maura thought she should, Maura decided it was time for her to pull back from Jane to protect herself. She had to stop pretending to herself that their relationship was something that it so clearly wasn't.

Maura had said to Jane "studies show that the best antidote for heartbreak is distraction." It turned out she meant it more for herself than Jane. Dennis was definitely a distraction and at the same time he was attractive to her because he reminded her of Jane physically. Tall, dark and handsome. They had the same prominent cheekbones and the same dimples. Maura wouldn't have said that she even liked Dennis that much but when he returned he said all the right things. Things she had wanted to hear from Jane but had resigned herself would never happen. She was still ashamed at how easily she had let herself be duped.

Maura sighed and finally turned away from the sculpture to make her way back to the apartment.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jane lay on her couch. She lazily tossed a tennis ball to the other side of the room. Jo Friday noisily chased after it and quickly returned, putting her front paws up on the couch cushions to deposit the ball next to Jane so Jane could throw it again. Jane sighed heavily. Days off were the worst since Maura left. It was a bit startling to realize, even with all the other stuff going on in their lives how much time she spent with Maura and how much time she assumed she would spend with Maura.

She didn't quite know what to do with herself now that Maura was away so she was stuck with Jo Friday and her thoughts. Jane was aware that something had been off between her and Maura for a while. She traced it back to the warehouse. She didn't think they had been able to recover fully, they hadn't even really talked about it. After they nearly died, they'd just put it behind them. Then it felt like one thing after another kept happening. Hope, then Dennis.

Jane had the feeling Maura was pulling away from her. Even though they were still together all the time, it wasn't quite the same. The same level of closeness wasn't there. Maura wouldn't really talk to her about things anymore. She wouldn't talk to her at all about Dennis and she wouldn't talk much about Hope or donating her kidney.

When Casey reappeared he was a distraction, one Jane welcomed to keep her from going crazy trying to understand her complicated feelings about Maura. And now everything just felt fucked up. She had finally accepted that relationship with Casey was only superficial. She was sure Casey felt the same way, but they both kept going through the motions for now. Without his injury they probably would have figured out their lack of romantic connection and gone their separate ways or returned to their old easy friendship. With the injury, if he needed her for inspiration to recover, then Jane felt she at least owed it to him to stick with him until he didn't need her anymore.

But in the meantime she'd neglected Maura. She hadn't tried hard enough to get Maura to talk to her about what was going on with her. She'd taken Maura for granted and now Maura was gone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~  _A month earlier ~~_

_Jane sat slumped in a chair next to Maura's hospital bed. She watched the nurse put an IV line into Maura's hand and start a saline drip before leaving the room._

_"You don't have to do this," Jane said for the hundredth time in the past few weeks._

_"I think I do. But it doesn't matter because I'm choosing to do it."_

_"You don't even know her," Jane argued._

_"She's my sister. I can't just let her die."_

_Jane frowned but didn't respond._

_"I don't why you wanted to be here if it makes you upset. Angela could have come, or Hope. I don't even really need anyone today. I have to be here tonight anyway. I won't get released until tomorrow at the earliest."_

_"You shouldn't be here alone."_

_Maura was tired and hungry and anxious for the surgery to get underway, but she couldn't help arguing with Jane. "Why does me donating my kidney to Cailin makes you so angry?"_

_"I don't know. I guess I just wish you had talked this over with me before deciding to do it, before you just started giving away organs."_

_"I'm sorry," Maura said honestly. "Maybe I should have talked to you. Especially because I know how upset you were that Casey didn't talk to you before making the decision to have surgery."_

_"Don't do that," Jane responded, the anger gone from her voice._

_"What?"_

_"Apologize when you know you didn't actually do anything wrong."_

_Maura wasn't sure how to respond to that so she said, "I'm glad Casey agreed to wait longer to have the surgery."_

_"We don't have to talk about him."_

_"Why not?" Maura asked._

_"Because whenever we talk about Casey we either end up arguing or you end up looking at me the way you are now. Like you're pitying me."_

_"I promise that I'm not pitying you, Jane."_

_"Then what is that look for?"_

_"I..." Maura started but then sighed and looked down in her lap. "I just want you to be happy."_

_Two nurses came in to get Maura for surgery. "I'll be here when you get out," Jane said as they wheeled Maura out of the room._

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jane opened up her laptop and went to her email. She hadn't responded to Maura's email yet because she hadn't been sure how much she wanted to say. It was time to stop putting it off.

Dear Maura,  
I'm glad to hear your recovery is going well. You know that if there is anything you need all you have to do is ask.  
I've been doing a lot of thinking and I know I haven't been as good of a friend as I should have been to you recently. I haven't paid enough attention to the things you've been going through. I don't know how to fix that now. I wish you hadn't gone away. I wish you had stayed and talked to me so that we could have figured this all out and gotten back on track together. But when you're ready, I'll be here.  
Jane

Jane hit send and then tossed the ball again for Jo Friday.


	3. Chapter 3

The flaw in her reasoning became clear the moment she read the email from Jane. Jane wanted to fix their friendship and the truth was that Maura wanted more. There was no amount of distance or time that could fix that problem.

At the moment it seemed foolish to think she could control falling out of love anymore than she had been in control of falling in love with Jane. Because how could she not have fallen in love with Jane? When she thought about it, Maura didn't see any way she could have stopped it.

Jane was selfless, strong, brave, beautiful and caring. Except when she wasn't. When she felt challenged or trapped, or when she was uncomfortable about something, Jane could be selfish, she could be petulant and stubborn, and she could even be mean.

When Casey was around those characteristics were more prevalent. Although Maura didn't think Jane was really herself when Casey was around. She didn't understand why Jane let Casey treat her the way he did. She could only guess and she didn't want to guess about Jane's motives because she knew her feelings would only compromise her objectivity. Maura could ignore or forgive all of those flaws because most of the time Jane was her loyal friend who was attentive, solicitous and protective.

Those things hadn't changed. How could Maura have thought going away for a few weeks would change her feelings? How could she think that those feelings wouldn't come rushing back the moment she saw Jane again? Just getting an email from Jane could knock her off balance.

Perhaps, Maura thought, she was approaching this all wrong.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Maura sat on the small balcony off of the living room of her parent's apartment. She was reading a book but found that her mind was wandering more than actually reading.

The balcony door slid open and her mother stepped onto the balcony and sat down next to her on the loveseat.

Constance patted Maura's arm. "Do you want to talk about whatever is bothering you?"

"What do you mean?" Maura asked.

"You haven't quite been yourself. I know you were recovering from your surgery but I think there's something else too. You've hardly spoken at all the past few days."

"I'm sorry if I haven't been good company. I might have overdone it the past few days," Maura tried to explain.

Constance removed her hand from Maura's arm, setting it back in her lap and she studied her hands as she said, "I don't believe that's all there is to the story. Although I am very happy you are here, it's been a few weeks and you haven't mentioned any plan to return to Boston. Someone might get the impression you're running away from something."

Maura wasn't sure if she was more surprised that her mother had noticed or that she was asking her such personal questions.

When Maura didn't respond immediately, Constance added, "I'd like to think that you can talk to me. Even if it's the situation with Hope or everything that happened with Patrick, I promise to be a good listener." 

"I'm in love with someone who doesn't feel the same way about me," Maura blurted out quickly.

Constance was silent for a moment before she finally said, "Is it Jane?"

Maura finally looked her mother in her face. She was shocked by her mother's question. "How did you know?"

"When I first met Jane, it was easy to tell that she's an important person in your life. But you've hardly mentioned her since you arrived here. I thought perhaps you had a falling out. I know the last time I saw you the two of you were fighting about Patrick but I thought you made up."

"We did make up about that, although things haven't quite been the same since then."

"Did you tell her how you feel?"

"Yes. Briefly and ineloquently, but I believe she understood."

"How did she respond?"

"She didn't really respond at all, although she didn't have much of a chance. I only told her a few days before I came here, but she didn't bring it up again."

"Perhaps she just needed more time to think about it," Constance said reasonably.

Maura smiled uneasily. "That isn't exactly comforting. When you tell someone you love them for the first time, I think you want the other person to be excited, not have to contemplate it." Maura paused for a moment before adding, "She's with someone else."

"Oh, I see. That is an added complication. Is she happy with this other person?"

"I don't know. It's complicated. But I don't think he's treating her very well."

"That doesn't sound like something Jane would put up with for very long. At least that was my impression of her. Do you think she'll realize that eventually?"

Maura shrugged. "Maybe."

Constance turned toward Maura, putting her hand back on Maura's arm. "I don't think you should give up on her yet."

"What makes you say that?"

"Did Jane tell you about the conversation when I visited you and met Jane for the first time?"

"No she didn't."

"Well, I don't need to go into details, but I can say that she was fiercely protective of you. Now that she knows the depth of your feelings for her maybe she'll realize she feels the same." Constance patted Maura's arm one more time and then stood to go back inside.

"Mother?" Maura called after her.

"Yes, darling?"

"Thank you."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jane, Frost and Korsak sat at their desks, Jane once again privately bemoaning their lack of new cases.

"When's the Doc coming back?" Korsak asked, breaking their amiable silence.

Jane didn't have to look up to know the question was for her and she answered, "I don't know."

"Really?"

Jane sighed. "Really. She either doesn't know herself or isn't telling me."

"No wonder you've been so grumpy," Korsak said.

Jane looked up and gave him a dirty look. "Come on."

"Korsak's right," Frost interjected. "Dr. Isles has a calming effect on you."

"Fuck you, Frost."

"See what I mean. Where did she go anyway?"

"She's in Paris visiting her parents. But you know, you guys are her friends too. You can cut out the Dr. Isles crap around me. If you're so interested in what's going on with her, email her yourself."

Frost shrugged. "Maybe I will."

"Me too," Korsak added.

"Do you even know how to email, old man?" Frost teased.

Jane sighed in relief as the two men began bickering with each other and forgot about their questions about Maura. After another few minutes of staring blankly at her computer, Jane stood and said, "I'm gonna go out. Call me if something comes up."

Korsak and Frost nodded in agreement.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jane headed over to Casey's apartment and found him in good spirits. "What's going on, Case?"

"I went to see the doctor today. The surgeon," he answered.

"You should have told me, I could have arranged to go with you."

"I didn't want you to try to talk me out of it."

Jane sat down next to him on the couch. "What do you mean?"

"I scheduled the surgery. It's going to be on Monday."

Jane took a moment to respond but nodded her head and said, "Okay. If you are really sure you want to go through with the surgery, I won't try to talk you out of it anymore."

Casey reached over and took Jane's hand. "Thank you, Jane."

"But you should let me be there. I mean I want to be there when you get out of surgery and I'm going to take care of you afterwards and you can't fight me on this."

"Okay," Casey nodded in agreement. "I have to be there at 7am Monday morning."

"I'll drive you."

"Jane, if the surgery...if it doesn't go as planned-"

Jane pulled her hand out of Casey's grasp and stood. "Don't Casey, we'll cross that bridge if we have to, but we won't have to."

"No! Listen to me," Casey said sternly. "If the surgery doesn't work, I don't want you to think you have to take care of me. You don't owe me anything. You don't have to stay with me."

Jane looked away, unable to meet Casey's gaze anymore, but nodded in agreement.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Maura woke up early the next morning after going to bed early the previous night and reached for her laptop. She thought she would try to write an email to Jane, but found herself smiling when she saw three new emails.

She opened the ones from Frost and Korsak first.

Hey Doc,  
We miss you around here.  
Hope you come back soon.  
-Vince

Maura,  
Jane says you're in Paris with your parents.  
I hope you are enjoying your vacation and recovering well from your surgery and that you'll be back working with us soon.  
Take care,  
Barry

Maura smiled as she read the emails and wondered how much Jane had to do with them. It was too much of a coincidence for them to have both sent an email at nearly the same time otherwise.

Maura wrote brief replies to both of them and then clicked open Jane's email, well aware of the nervous flutter in her stomach about what the email might contain given that she hadn't responded to Jane's last email. She was surprised to see the length of this email.

Maura,  
Casey is getting his surgery on Monday.  
I guess I just wish you were here to talk about it with me.  
You could tell me all the technical terms for what they're going to do and I would have no idea what you were saying.  
Or I would pretend to have no idea what you were saying but maybe I would understand some of it.  
I'm sorry if I'm rambling, I came home from Casey's and had a few beers. Or maybe 5 or 6 beers.  
He told me that if the surgery didn't go well I didn't have to stay with him. He actually said that.  
I'm not worried about leaving him if the surgery doesn't work.  
I'm worried about leaving him if the surgery does work.  
You're supposed to be here so we can talk about stuff like this but we never talk about stuff anymore.  
I don't know why we don't talk anymore.  
I miss you.  
J

Maura closed the laptop and slid back under the covers.


	4. Chapter 4

 

Jane went to Maura's house for the first time since she picked Maura up to bring her to the airport. She walked through the house and out the back to the guest house.

Jane had done her best to avoid her mother the past few weeks. She couldn't avoid her completely but she made sure never to stick around long enough for the conversation to turn to Maura. Jane took a deep breath and went inside the guest house. "Hey Ma," she called out and then took a seat on her mother's couch.

Angela appeared and said, "Hi honey. I wasn't expecting to see you today." Angela took in her daughter's tired and forlorn appearance and sat down next to her. "How's Casey?"

Jane looked confused for a moment and then said, "Casey is...Casey. He's, um, getting his surgery on Monday."

"Are you scared?" Angela asked.

Jane took a moment before responding, "I'm afraid for him but he's made his decision."

"This surgery is a big deal. Maura told me all about it. Is that really all you're going to say about it?"

"I didn't come here to talk about Casey. I know you like him and I like him too. That's why I tried and tried to get him to reconsider this surgery. I know how dangerous the surgery is, but regardless of what happens, Casey and I don't have a future together. I tried but there's nothing more than friendship between us and I'm not even sure if that's there anymore."

Angela was momentarily shocked but then recovered and tried to wrap her arms around Jane, saying, "Oh honey, I'm so sorry."

Jane tried but failed to squirm out of Angela's grasp. "Come on, Ma."

Angela finally relented and asked, "What did you want to talk to me about then?"

"Do you know why Maura went away?"

"I thought she just needed a vacation. After everything she's been through recently, she deserved one."

"She didn't tell you any other reason?" Jane pressed.

"No. Is there another reason she went away? Is she in trouble or is something wrong?"

"No, nothing like that," Jane said softly.

When Jane grew silent, Angela said, "Janie, you can talk to me."

Jane leaned forward on the edge of the couch so she didn't have to look directly at her mother. "She told me...right before she left, she told me she loved me and she had to go away to get over me."

"Oh. I...oh."

"Did you...know...how she felt?" Jane reluctantly asked.

"No, I didn't. I had no idea."

"I don't..." Jane stopped, unsure what she wanted to say.

"What about it is bothering you?" Angela asked.

Jane snorted. "Everything about it is bothering me. That I didn't realize how she felt. That she didn't tell me before. I mean, why didn't she think she could tell me?"

"I don't know, honey."

"What if...what if I've made a huge mistake?"

"What do you mean?" Angela asked. When Jane didn't immediately respond she said, "Do you...do you love her too?"

"I don't know. I mean, I love Maura but I don't know if I love her, love her, you know? Things haven't been quite right between us for a while and I let it happen. I knew there was something going on with her that she wasn't telling me and I ignored it. I messed up already and she went away. I don't want to lose her completely."

Both women fell silent for a minute and Jane slumped back in her seat again.

"Do you know how much I enjoy talking to you like this?" Angela said, breaking the silence.

"Ew, Ma, come on."

"I know, Jane. I know you don't like talking about your feelings. Which is why I also know that you only come to me when it's something really important."

"What do you think I should do?"

"I think you should figure out how you feel."

"How do I do that?" Jane asked.

"I don't know."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Maura finally dragged herself out of bed. She didn't know how to respond to Jane's email so decided she needed to go out. This vacation was supposed to be about taking time to really take care of herself and it was time to start doing that.

In the bathroom, Maura took in her appearance in the full length mirror. Since the surgery she had felt old. Part of it was the expected tiredness and weakness she felt after the surgery. But there were other things too. She'd lost a little weight, also because of the surgery, but she also hadn't been working out as much as she used to. That was something she had gotten used to doing with Jane and it was one of the things they hadn't been doing together as frequently.

But there were other things she noticed now too. More wrinkles on her face, especially around her eyes and mouth. She knew she should look at that as evidence of happy times filled with smiling and laughter. But right now they just made her feel old and alone. They were evidence that despite her hopes and desires she hadn't been brave enough to go after what she really wanted.

Maura resolved to stop wallowing. The conversation with her mother and Jane's last email had made her reconsider the purpose of this trip. Maybe she wasn't ready to give up on Jane yet. Maybe she should try fighting for her. It was time to start getting back on track. Step one was booking a full day at the spa. Body wrap, facial, manicure and pedicure, wax, and finishing with an hour long massage.

She tried to relax during each treatment and just clear her mind and meditate. But she couldn't stop thinking about Jane's email. No matter what she did to clear her mind, Maura kept coming back to one sentence in Jane's last email:  _I don't know why we don't talk anymore._

Maura knew why they didn't talk anymore. She couldn't tell Jane what she really wanted to tell her and it became a struggle to talk about anything else that was remotely personal. So she started avoiding the types of intimate conversations they used to have. Maura could even pinpoint exactly when it started, the night Casey broke Jane's heart, for the first time.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_After Casey sent her away, Jane said, "Let's go do something crazy."_

_That apparently had meant a box of wine and making s'mores on her gas stove. Maura drove them both to her house, with a stop at the grocery store on the way. Over all of Maura's objections, Jane insisted on the box of wine and all of the other junk food she shoved into the cart._

_In Maura's kitchen, Jane filled two large glasses with wine and laid the chocolate, marshmallows, and graham crackers on the counter._

_Maura took a sip of the wine and then set her glass down with a frown. "What are we doing?"_

_"Making s'mores," Jane replied. "And I saw that. I don't care how bad the wine is, you're drinking it. For me."_

_"I've never made s'mores," Maura said after a second dutiful sip of the wine._

_"Your parents never sent you to summer camp?"_

_"My summer camps were usually science or math camps. There were no camp fires at those."_

_"So no family camping trips? Or no boarding school camping trips?"_

_Maura shook her head._

_"Well, lucky for you, you've got me and I am an expert s'more maker." Jane put the crackers and chocolate on a plate and passed it to Maura. "Put that in the microwave for like thirty seconds."_

_Jane found some skewers and prepped the marshmallows. Maura brought the plate with the now semi melted chocolate and graham crackers to where Jane was standing at the stove. "What do we do now?"_

_"Now is the fun part. Here take this," Jane said and handed Maura a skewer. "Ready?" Jane asked._

_Maura nodded and Jane turned on the gas to one of the burners. She held her marshmallow in the flame and Maura did the same. "Is this dangerous?"_

_"Don't worry, I'm a cop."_

_"You aren't a firefighter though," Maura pointed out._

_Jane shrugged._

_Maura frowned. "What do we do now?"_

_"Just wait," Jane answered and a second later both of their marshmallows caught on fire._

_"Oh," Maura gasped._

_Jane flipped off the burner and put her hand on Maura's arm. "Careful, don't drop it."_

_"Now what?"_

_"We wait until it's as cooked as you want it then blow it out and put it on your chocolate." Jane blew out her marshmallow, set it down on the chocolate covered graham cracker and put another cracker on top of it to slide out the skewer. "Then you've got your s'more."_

_Maura copied Jane and then took a dainty bite of her s'more after studying it for a moment. She looked up at Jane in delight. "That's delicious."_

_"That's kinda the point," Jane said, smiling back at Maura. She took a bite of hers and said, "Not quite as good as when they're made over a campfire. We'll have to do that sometime."_

_"I would love to."_

_"So, should we make some more?"_

_"Yes."_

_A few too many s'mores later, Maura finally insisted on making them a salad. Jane had had enough wine that she didn't protest too much. Maura had stuck with her one glass of wine and when they were done eating, she said, "You should really stay here tonight."_

_"Can we have a sleepover? I don't really feel like being alone tonight."_

_"Of course. Why don't you go get ready for bed while I clean up."_

_Maura went upstairs fifteen minutes later. Jane was in bed laying on her side and when Maura got into bed she thought Jane was already asleep._

_But a few minutes later Jane rolled onto her back and said, "Maybe I just don't know what love is."_

_Maura rolled over to face Jane. "What...what do you mean?"_

_"I thought Casey loved me. But, I guess I was wrong, so maybe I don't know anything about love."_

_"Oh," was all Maura could manage to say._

_"I mean...I thought we understood each other, you know. Understood each other's jobs and what they meant to both of us. We've known each other a long time too. I'm not...I'm not saying it was some torrid love affair, but I thought we had a connection that meant something."_

_"What did he say, exactly?" Maura asked. "You haven't actually told me anything about what happened."_

_"He told me he would have called me if he wanted to. His exact words were, 'If I had anything to offer you I would have reached out.'"_

_"Oh, Jane. Maybe he has a lot to deal with right now. You don't know what he's been through. He probably had some traumatic experiences in Afghanistan."_

_"Haven't we all had traumatic experiences? I know that I don't know what war is like but, Jesus, I've been through stuff. I thought that was something we understood about each other."_

_Maura reached a hand out intending to put it on Jane's arm, but instead dropped her hand back onto the bed. "If you really love him, maybe you should simply give him time."_

_"I don't really have any other choice, do I?" Jane said, forcing a smile. Her hand found Maura's on the bed and she laced their fingers together. "Thanks, Maur."_

_"For what?"_

_"For always being here for me."_

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

By the end of the massage Maura had made a decision about how she was going to respond to Jane. She returned to the apartment and went to her room to write an email.

Dear Jane,  
I'm sorry I'm not there with you right now. Please know that you can call me anytime if you want to talk about anything. I'm more sorry that I may have hurt you when I was simply trying to protect myself. I couldn't talk to you about Casey because I knew I couldn't be objective. I could only think about how I would treat you if I had the chance. I tried to protect myself by shutting you out but it seems that I only hurt both of us. Regardless of what happens next I will always be here for you. I will always have your back.  
Love always,  
Maura


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone was waiting for an update to this story I apologize for the long delay. I had trouble getting excited to write anything that included Casey and I got distracted by Come In From the Cold. But there is significant progress in this chapter.  
> Also, the details of Casey’s injury and surgery on the show (from the scene where Maura is explaining it to Jane) didn’t seem to make any sense when I tried to look up some info on it, so I’m just winging it on stuff related to his surgery and recovery. I mean, nobody actually cares, right?

Jane spent all day Monday at Massachusetts General Hospital while Casey was in surgery. She'd never looked through the materials on the surgery Maura had given her and Casey hadn't offered any information. She didn't want to know the details of the surgery. So she simply sat and waited.

When the surgery was over the surgeon came to the waiting room and talked with Jane. She didn't understand any of the words he was saying, only that they wouldn't know for a while what the outcome was, and that she could see him as soon as they got him situated in his room.

For the second time in two months Jane spent the night in a hospital room when she wasn't the patient. She couldn't help but notice the difference in how she felt. When Maura was in the hospital donating her kidney, she had been terrified. She'd been able to wait in Maura's private room during the surgery, and Jane spent the entire time pacing, holding her breath anxiously anytime somebody walked by the door to the room.

Of all the times Maura had been in some sort of danger, that had been the most anxiety provoking for Jane, even though it was probably the lowest risk. But Jane could do nothing but wait and that made her anxious. There was nothing she could do for Maura if something went wrong so she couldn't relax the entire time she waiting for Maura to return. When Maura was out of surgery she pretty much slept until the next morning. Jane spent the whole night sitting in Maura's room awake and alert for any problems.

Jane had also had been a little angry at the time. She knew it was stupid and ridiculous. But something about Maura volunteering to donate a body part to a half-sister who didn't even want it made Jane crazy. It was so like Maura to be so selfless and Jane felt the need to be angry and indignant on her behalf. Then a few days later she found out Maura was leaving and she was even more angry at the whole situation, along with being confused and hurt and even a little afraid.

Now, sitting with Casey after his surgery, Jane just felt empty. She should be worried or angry or something. But she had already resigned herself to the fact that Casey had decided to get the surgery without regard to whether it could kill him and for reasons that were questionable at best. She had begged him once, which made her feel sick when she thought about it, and she wasn't going to do that again.

After a few days, Casey relocated down the street to a rehab facility and Jane made sure to find time to visit him every day. He seemed to be doing well. At least emotionally he was happier then she had seen him in a long time. All of the doctors were very optimistic about his chances for a full recovery, although it would be weeks if not months before they really knew how well he would do.

During a visit to Casey about a week into his rehab stay, he said to her, "What are you still doing here, Jane?"

"What do you mean?"

"You don't have to keep coming to visit."

"I want to visit you," Jane responded.

"Jane, I know you're trying to take care of me and protect me right now, but it's okay. I appreciate everything you've done for me, but you don't have to pretend anymore. It's okay if you don't love me."

"I care about you, Casey," Jane protested. "I really do. And I thought there could be something more. I wanted there to be something more. But it was just like..." Jane trailed off as she tried to figure out how to explain.

"Like following the rules?"

Jane thought about his phrasing for a moment and said, "Yeah, I guess so. But-"

Casey interrupted her. "You don't need to wait around for me and I need to just concentrate on getting better. You don't have any obligation to me."

Jane clenched her jaw to avoid responding immediately. She wanted to say something about how selfish he had been. About how poorly he had treated her by disappearing and then showing up whenever he felt like it. About how he had made her think that he had really cared for her. But she wouldn't say those things now. Not when he was in a rehab hospital learning to walk again. She couldn't do that. "Was there ever anything between us?" she finally said.

"Yes, there was," Casey responded.

Jane realized she didn't really care if he was telling the truth or not. She told him she'd check in with him soon and to call her if he needed anything in the meantime. Then she left not knowing when she'd actually see him again. Outside the hospital, instead of getting on the subway to go home she continued walking onto the Longfellow Bridge over the Charles River.

She walked to the middle of the bridge and stood at the railing looking west over the river. It was her favorite view of Boston with the river and the Esplanade in the foreground and then the buildings of the Back Bay stretching all the way to the Citgo sign in Kenmore Square.

Jane took out her phone. Since she'd received it, Jane had read Maura's last email over and over. God, she'd been so selfish. And oblivious. All the times she had gone on and on about Casey and hadn't noticed what Maura was feeling. Some detective she was. Some friend she was.

_I could only think about how I would treat you if I had the chance._

That sentence made Jane's stomach flutter every time she read it. Something about that phrase made her see everything in a different light, in a way that didn't happen when Maura told her she loved her. That was incomprehensible. Jane couldn't wrap her mind around the how or why of that. This was tangible.

_I could only think about how I would treat you if I had the chance._

That sentence was full of possibilities. That sentence made Jane think about what being on the receiving end of Maura's affections could mean. Maura, who was beautiful and brilliant, but also the kindest and most generous person Jane knew. Jane had often wondered why the men in Maura's life didn't seem to realize what they could have, but she hadn't realized it before either.

For the first time Jane put herself in their shoes and considered what it would be like to really be with Maura. Jane had no doubt that it would be wonderful. It was also terrifying, because now Jane had trouble thinking of anything else.

Jane read Maura's email again. Then she opened a new text message.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Maura spent the afternoon the same way she'd spent most days over the past couple of weeks, walking around Paris. On this day she walked through the Jardin des Tuileries. She had many memories of being led through the gardens as a child any time she was in Paris with her parents, complete with lectures on the sculptures found there and their sculptors. When her mother was leading the tour they always went through the gardens and then to the Louvre. Her mother would pick a wing of the museum and they'd spend a couple of hours talking about the paintings there.

Maura skipped the Louvre though and instead took a seat on a bench on the Pont des Arts overlooking the Seine. This trip hadn't been anything like what she expected. She'd wanted distance from Jane and from Boston. Paris seemed perfect. It was a city she knew intimately and she would be completely immersed in a foreign language and a different culture. It seemed about as different from Boston as she could reasonably get.

She was surprised at how much she found herself missing Boston. It couldn't really compare to Paris in most ways and yet it was her home now. On top of that, everywhere she went in Paris she wished she had someone with her to share it with. No matter how hard she tried to put Jane out of her mind, as she walked around Paris she couldn't help but think about which places and things Jane would like and which ones Maura particularly wanted to show her.

Jane would make fun of the language and roll her eyes at Maura's translations and explanations of landmarks, but she would be secretly enjoying it. And the food. Jane would love the food. She would purposefully mispronounce items on the menu but then let Maura order for her and love every bite of it.

Sitting alone on the Pont des Arts, Maura came to the conclusion that it was time to go home. Some days she felt silly for even coming. It wasn't like her to run away from things or to make impulsive decisions. But it had all become too much. Hope and Cailin. Jane and Casey. Surgeries. There was too much to think about and she had needed the space.

She didn't know where she stood with Jane now. It had been almost two weeks since her last email to Jane without a response. She couldn't bring herself to email again when she didn't know how Casey's surgery had gone or what Jane was going through. And it was too difficult to try to write to Jane again and ask about Casey. It was clear that she wouldn't know anything about what Jane was thinking until she returned home.

Maura looked at her watch. It was time to leave to meet her parents for dinner. She got up and started walking knowing she would tell them at dinner that she would be scheduling her flight home for as soon as possible.

Later that night, after going to sleep, Maura woke to the sound of her phone chirping. She was disoriented at first, having gone over a month now without being called to a crime scene in the middle of the night. She reached for the phone when it made the noise again and realized that the chirping was because she had received a text message. She became instantly more alert when she saw that the message was from Jane.

The message simply said:  _I hope you come home soon._


	6. Chapter 6

Maura flew home a few days after receiving Jane's text. She didn't tell anyone she was coming home, only sending Angela a text once she landed and was in a taxi home so she wouldn't scare her by coming home. She wanted to avoid anyone making a big deal about her arrival. No one was at her house when she arrived in late afternoon and she realized Angela must still be at work.

In Paris, it would be nearing bedtime, but Maura had slept on the flight, hoping to reset her body's clock as quickly as possible. And she planned to go see Jane that evening so the first thing she did at home was make herself a cup of coffee. Then she went upstairs and unpacked and showered.

After the shower she stood in her closet for a long time trying to decide what to wear. She felt a little ridiculous because Jane had seen her in all types of clothing and there was no reason to dress up for her. She also had no idea how Jane would respond to her being back so she didn't want to overdress or look like she was expecting something. But she still wanted to look good. In the end she decided on a black pencil skirt and a dark green sweater.

In her text to Angela earlier, Maura asked her not to tell anyone else she was home. She left for Jane's without giving her any warning she was coming. Maura let herself into Jane's apartment building with the key she had and walked up the two flights of stairs to knock on Jane's door.

Jane opened the door looking confused and said, almost as a question, "Hi."

"Hi," Maura said shyly.

"When did you get back?" Jane asked.

"This afternoon."

"Why didn't you tell me? I could have picked you up or something."

"Um, can I come in?" Maura asked.

"Jeez, of course," Jane said stepping aside. After closing the door behind Maura, Jane said, "Hey, come here," and wrapped Maura in a tight hug.

Maura let herself lean into Jane's body and her arms lightly circled Jane's waist. She inhaled Jane's familiar scent and for a moment it felt like she hadn't been away at all.

Maura pulled out of the embrace and Jane cleared her throat before saying, "Sorry. It's good to see you again. I mean, I'm glad you're back. I missed you."

"You did?" Maura asked genuinely.

"Of course. And not just because you left me to deal with Frost and Korsak and my mother on my own," Jane joked lamely.

Maura frowned and walked away from Jane towards the couch. She sat down and said as nonchalantly as she could, "How's Casey?"

Jane was caught off guard by the question. "What?"

"Casey had his surgery right? You haven't told me anything about how it went."

Jane sat down on a chair across the room from the couch. "I figured you would have heard everything already from Ma or something. But he's, uh, fine. I mean he had a successful surgery and he's doing physical therapy all the time. The doctors think he may fully recover."

"That's great news," Maura said evenly.

Jane frowned. "Yeah, but Casey and I, um...whatever Casey and I were, we're not anymore. We're not together anymore."

"I'm sorry," Maura said.

"Why are you sorry?"

"Because you love him. And I want you to be happy. I'm sorry that you broke up."

"Maybe I loved him. I don't know. I mean he's important to me and I used to think we could have a future together. Maybe things would have been different if he hadn't been injured because that's all he's focused on now. Or once we were in the same place at the same time and spending real time with each other, maybe I'd be in the exact same place I am now."

"I'm still sorry. And I'm sorry I wasn't here for you while this was happening," Maura said.

Jane wasn't entirely sure why, but she suddenly felt the need to get out of her apartment and go somewhere they wouldn't be alone. "Are you hungry? Wanna go get some dinner?"

"That sounds nice," Maura agreed.

They walked to a Chinese restaurant a few blocks from Jane's apartment. After they ordered food, Jane asked Maura how her trip had been.

"It was good," Maura answered simply.

"That's all you're gonna say? You were there for what, five, six, weeks. You must have more to say than that."

Maura smiled at the teasing. "You're right, I should have more to say. It was nice to spend time with my parents. It was nice to have a break from work and to have no reason to even think about work for a little while. I spent a lot of time walking around Paris. I went to museums frequently. Sometimes I would just walk as far as I could and then sit outside a cafe with a book or watch people walking by for a few hours."

"Sounds very relaxing."

"It was relaxing and I needed that after the surgery. But-" Maura shook her head and looked down at the table.

"What?" Jane prodded gently.

"After the first couple of weeks, I was lonely. I missed Boston and my home. I missed your mother," Maura said with a laugh. "I missed you."

"I missed you too. So why didn't you come home earlier?" Jane asked.

"I...I don't really know. I wasn't ready. Once I was gone, the reasons I left didn't seem to make as much sense anymore. But I didn't know what I was coming home to. I didn't know where we stood."

Their food arrived and Jane didn't respond to what Maura had said so she added, "Are we okay?"

"I was upset when you left at first," Jane said honestly. "You dropped a pretty big piece of information and then just left. I thought that was kind of unfair of you."

"I'm sorry," Maura interjected.

Jane shook her head. "It's okay. I understand now why you left. I think having some space was good. At least it was good for me. I had a lot of time to think. And I realized that I hadn't been a very good friend to you recently and I need to make sure I don't take you for granted."

"You don't take me for granted," Maura said.

"Sometimes I do. Or I did. I'm not going to anymore," Jane said adamantly. They shared a long look until Jane looked down at her food.

The rest of the meal they chatted about what Maura had missed at work while she was gone and Maura talked more about what she had done on vacation. After dinner they walked back towards Jane's apartment to where Maura had parked her car on the street. They stood awkwardly looking at each for a moment on the sidewalk next to the car until Jane said, "Can I ask you something?"

"Of course."

"Um, there was a reason you told me you were going away. Did you have any, uh, success with that?"

"No," Maura said honestly.

Jane stepped closer and said, "Maura," softly. Maura didn't stop Jane as she pressed her back against the car and put a hand on Maura's waist and the other against her cheek. Finally Jane pressed her lips against Maura's. After a moment she parted her lips slightly and sucked gently on Maura's bottom lip.

Maura leaned into the kiss at first but then pulled her head back suddenly and said somewhat sharply, "Jane, what are you doing?"

"I...isn't that what you wanted?"

"No. I mean yes, but not like this. Not when I don't know what's going on. I just got home and you just ended things with Casey. You can't just kiss me all of the sudden," Maura said, pushing Jane backwards by pushing her hands against Jane's chest.

Jane moved back but only about a foot. "While you were gone, I didn't just miss you. You were the only thing I thought about."

Maura wasn't sure why but the kiss had knocked her off balance and being knocked off balance made her a little angry. She straightened her back and said, "Who were you thinking about when you were with Casey?"

"Honestly, since you left, I was thinking about you."

"What about me were you thinking about?"

"Our relationship and what you mean to me. How important you are in my life," Jane answered and stepped closer again. She reached out and took hold of one of Maura's hands. "What it would be like to be with you. I mean, really be with you. That's all I've been thinking about for the past couple of weeks."

Maura let Jane hold her hand and softened her voice a little as she asked, "Did you come to any conclusions?"

Jane took a deep breath and said, "I think it could be pretty great."

"Really?" Maura said softly.

"Yes."

"Is that why you kissed me?"

"Yes."

"That's...good to know."

Jane looked down at their hands as she said, "While you were gone, I was so...I don't know. I didn't know what to do without you here. And I was thinking a lot about you and us and I didn't have anyone to talk to because you are who I talk to. Now that you're back, I don't know how to start with all this stuff or what to say. But I do know I wanted to kiss you."

"Slowly."

"What?"

"That's how we start. Slowly," Maura said with a grin.

Jane smiled. "Okay. Good. Slowly." Jane let go of Maura's hand and opened her car door. "So, um, you must be exhausted from traveling. You should go home and rest and maybe we can talk tomorrow?"

"It's good to be home," Maura said as she got into her car. Before Jane closed the door, Maura said, "Goodnight, Jane. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Goodnight, Maura."


	7. Chapter 7

Maura woke up the following morning to the sound and smell of coffee being made in her kitchen. She smiled at the thought of Angela making breakfast downstairs. It was one of things she missed while she was away, the way Angela made her house feel like a home.

Maura got out of bed and put on her robe to go downstairs and say hello. “Good morning,” she said as she entered the kitchen and Angela immediately wrapped her in a hug.

“Welcome home sweetheart. I didn’t want to bother you last night after your flight, but I figured the least I could do was make you breakfast. How are you? How was your trip?”

“I’m good,” Maura answered once Angela released her. “I had a nice trip but I’m happy to be home. And I’m happy to see you. Did you receive the package I sent?”

Angela handed Maura a cup of coffee. “Yes. My goodness, so many different mustards. I can’t wait to try them all. Thank you.”

“It’s one of the best things you can find in France. And you’re one of the few people I know who I was sure would appreciate them.”

“So, I hope you don’t mind, but I asked Jane to bring over some food because you didn’t have anything here and I didn’t have enough to make you a real welcome home breakfast. But I didn’t know if you had told her you were home yet."

"I saw her last night. We had dinner."

“Good.” Angela hesitated a moment but continued, saying, “I feel as though I should tell you that Jane told me how you feel, or at least how you felt, about her."

"She did?" Maura asked, obviously surprised that Jane would talk about it with her mother.

"Well, she told me that you said you were going away to get over her."

"That’s true. I did tell her that. Does it bother you?” Maura asked. 

"That you have feelings for my daughter?" Angela asked.

Maura nodded.

"I've had a lot of time to think about it. When you are a mother, or any parent I assume, you imagine your children's futures and one of the main things that you hope for is that they will find someone to share their life with.” Angela paused for a moment to take a drink of her coffee before continuing, “Jane has always been unconventional, I suppose. Did she ever tell you that when she was a kid she wanted to get married at Fenway?"

Maura laughed and said, "Yes, she did."

"She probably still wants that, although I’m sure she’d never admit it. When she was a teenager she started talking about being a cop and there wasn’t anything anyone could say to dissuade her. So I always knew Jane would do things her own way. But I didn't stop hoping that she would find someone who makes her happy to share her life with. I love you like another daughter, Maura. I want the same thing for you and if it's Jane that makes you happy then I can only hope that you make her happy too. I don't know how she feels, but if she has feelings for you too, even if it's not exactly what I always pictured for her, I'm not opposed to it."

Maura wiped her eyes as she said, “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to cry.”

“It’s okay, sweetie. So I’m guessing that going away didn’t change your feelings.”

Maura chuckled as she continued to wipe the tears from her eyes. “No, it didn’t. But I think going away was still good for me. I needed to get some perspective on everything.”

The front door opened and closed and Jane walked into the kitchen. "Hey. Ma called and asked me to bring bagels and eggs so she could make you a welcome home breakfast. I wasn’t sure if you'd be awake yet after traveling yesterday. Are you okay?" Jane added when she saw that Maura’s eyes were red and bright with tears.

Maura wiped her eyes again. “I’m good. Your mother and I were just catching up.” When Jane looked skeptical, Maura added, “I’m good. Really. If you both don’t mind I would like to take a quick shower and get dressed.”

“Go ahead,” Angela answered. “We’ll make breakfast.”

When Maura was out of the room, Jane turned on her mother and said, “What did you do to make her cry?”

“I didn’t do anything. We were just talking about you.”

“What? Why was she crying then?” Jane asked, more alarmed than before.

“Don’t worry about it. But Jane, don’t string Maura along. If you need time to figure out how you feel, that’s fine, but don’t take too long and don’t keep her waiting. If you don’t have romantic feelings for Maura, give her the opportunity to move on.”

Jane’s mouth hung open at her mother’s bluntness. She was mostly surprised that her mother was voicing any opinion about it. The one time they had previously talked about Maura like this, her mother had been guarded about her own opinions. But when Jane tried to formulate a reply, she realized she really couldn’t argue with what her mother had said. “I, um, I will. I would never hurt Maura intentionally.”

“I know, honey. But I don’t want you to unintentionally hurt her either.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The three women ate breakfast together and then, after Jane promised to clean up, Angela excused herself to give them some privacy. 

When they were alone, Jane said, "I wanted to ask you how you're doing in general. Are you healed from your surgery?"

"Yes. It took a few weeks, but I feel like I'm fully healed now."

"What about long term?" Jane asked.

"There shouldn't be any complications. I'll just make sure to go to my doctor regularly and get checked out if I think I need to."

"Have you talked to Hope? Do you know how Cailin is doing?"

Maura nodded and said, "We haven't talked but Hope sent me a few emails to update me on Cailin’s progress post-surgery. She's recovering well so far."

“Are you going to see her or anything.” Jane asked.

Maura shook her head. “Cailin doesn’t know the kidney came from me. Maybe she has guessed, but it doesn’t matter right now. They should both be focused on Cailin’s recovery. There are still plenty of complications she could encounter.”

“So you’re leaving it up to Hope to decide what your relationship is going to be with her?”

“For now, yes. Does that bother you?”

“You did give her daughter, your half-sister, a part of your body. I thought she might be more, I don’t know, friendly after that.”

“It hasn’t been that long. I’m willing to give her more time. Don’t be upset.”

“I’m not upset. I’m just trying to look out for you,” Jane said.

“Thank you, but I’m fine.”

“So, um, did you have plans for today? Did you want to rest? I know Ma kinda sprung breakfast on you. Should I give you some time alone?”

“Jane, I’ve been away for six weeks, I don’t want time alone.”

“So, what do you want to do?”

“I have an idea,” Maura said.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An hour later they were sitting in a booth in the Dirty Robber with Frost and Korsak. Jane brought beers to the table for everyone and Korsak raised his and said, “Welcome back, Doc.”

After they all clinked glasses, Frost added, “It’s good to have you back, Maura. It was rough without you.”

“Oh no, was my replacement unsuitable? Maura asked.

Frost shook his head. “No, she was fine. But Jane was a disaster.”

“Hey,” Jane protested.

“It’s true,” Frost said. “You were agitated all the time.”

Jane raised her eyebrows at Korsak for his input. 

“That’s pretty accurate, Jane,” Korsak said with a shrug. “But I’m glad to have you back, Doc, because I missed you. It has nothing to do with Jane. Are you coming back to work soon?”

“Thank you, Vince. Yes, I have to make the arrangements but I plan on coming back to work as soon as possible. Hopefully next week.”

“Anyway,” Jane interjected, “Can you guys believe that her first day back from Paris, Dr. Maura Isles wanted to come here of all places?”

“What?” Maura shrugged. “It’s simply not possible to get a good hamburger in France.”

That led to Korsak and Frost asking lots of questions about Maura’s trip and the four of them spend the rest of the afternoon talking, with Jane largely letting the other three catch up as she had done with Maura the previous night. 

When they were done at the Robber, Jane drove Maura home and parked on the street in front of Maura’s house. 

Maura didn’t make any move to get out of the car. Instead she said, “Can I ask you something?”

“Of course,” Jane answered and turned the car off.

“Were you really agitated while I was gone?” Maura asked in a tone that was serious, not teasing.

Jane frowned at the question. “Sometimes. I mean, I did miss you. But there was a lot of stuff going on though, you know.”

Maura’s next question was, “Is it really over between you and Casey?”

“Why would you ask that?”

Maura sighed as she considered how to answer. “There were times in the past when from my perspective it should have been over between you and Casey and it wasn’t. I don’t want to get my hopes up about what could happen with us if there is a chance that it really isn’t over with him.”

“It’s completely over between me and Casey.”

“What if I hadn’t told you how I felt? Would you still be with Casey?” Maura asked.

“Right now? I don’t know, maybe. But in the long term I don’t think so. I was just going through the motions with him. I thought he was what I was supposed to want. I would like to think at some point I would have realized what I was missing on my own.”

“What do you mean?”

“Do you remember the email you sent me where you said you were only thinking about how you would treat me if you had the chance? When I read that, something just clicked for me. I could imagine how you would treat me because of how you already treat me and thinking about being with you made sense. That’s what I mean about realizing what I was missing.”

“You really had no idea I had feelings for you?”

“No, I swear. I didn’t know. And you weren’t planning on ever telling me?”

“No. I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable. It would be worse to lose our friendship because you didn’t feel the same way than to not tell you at all and just deal with it on my own. And every time I thought about telling you, Casey showed up again.”

“But we’re in a good place now, right? And like you said, we’ll take things slow.”

“Slowly,” Maura corrected.

Jane rolled her eyes, but smiled at Maura. “Fine, slowly. We didn’t talk about what that means. What do we do? Go out on a date?”

Maura tilted her head to the side and grinned. “That might be nice.”

Jane chuckled. “Yeah, it might be.”

Maura reached across the car and took hold of Jane’s hand. “Jane, may I take you out on a date tomorrow night?”

Jane squeezed Maura's hand and said, "Yes."


	8. Chapter 8

The first thing out of Jane's mouth when she opened her apartment door to Maura, who was picking her up for their date, was "What the hell?"

"You're overdressed," Maura said in response. Maura was wearing skin tight jeans and a white silk button down blouse. Jane was wearing a dress.

"But...you said... I thought this was a date?" Jane said, lowering her voice so no snooping neighbors would hear her.

"It is a date," Maura said as she stepped inside Jane's apartment.

"But you're wearing jeans," Jane protested.

"Jane, do you like wearing dresses on dates?" Maura patiently asked.

"I mean, it depends, but no, not really."

"So why would I make you wear a dress on a date with me?"

"Because you like dresses. I thought I was going on a fancy Maura Isles date."

"You're right," Maura conceded. "I should have specified the dress code. I want to take you on a date you're going to enjoy," she explained.

Jane's expression softened. "Hey, I will enjoy anything as long as you're there with me."

Maura grinned and said, "Go change."

Jane went to her bedroom and few minutes later returned wearing jeans and a t-shirt. "Better?"

"For tonight, yes."

"So, what's the plan?" Jane asked.

"Dinner and a movie," Maura answered.

"Sounds good. Let's go."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Maura drove them to Cambridge and into Harvard Square, and then she led the way as they walked to the restaurant.

The restaurant looked fairly upscale but the menu looked pretty ordinary. Jane said, "Um, this looks a lot like a pub food. I don't have to eat hamburgers all the time you know?"

"I know. And you shouldn't eat them all the time. But when you do, you should eat the best. This restaurant specializes in local, seasonal, and high quality ingredients. The menu may look similar to the Dirty Robber's but I promise the taste will be far superior."

"So, I can have the hamburger?"

"You can have whatever you want to."

Jane laughed. "What are you going to have?"

"Pizza."

"Are you serious? Were you not fed any real food in Paris?"

"What? I haven't had pizza since before I went to France. I don't think I've had pizza since the last time I ate it with you."

The waitress came and they ordered. When she'd left Jane said, "Hamburgers and pizza. I think I've been a bad influence on you. Although I've never heard of a pizza with any those toppings so I guess we'll see if what you get even remotely resembles a pizza here."

Maura smiled at Jane's teasing. She had been a little anxious before picking Jane up that there would be an awkwardness between them because tonight was an official "date." Part of her kept worrying that Jane would realize that she didn't want a romantic relationship, that she just wanted their friendship to go back to normal. She worried that Jane was confusing missing their friendship with wanting something more.

But Jane had seemed completely comfortable. It seemed like she was the only one feeling awkward and she tried to shake that feeling off. "I know you're joking, but that couldn't be farther from the truth. You've been nothing but a positive influence on my life."

"Yeah, right. You do remember that my mother lives with you right?"

"Yes, and I enjoy having her live in the guest house. That's what I mean, though. I have friends and a community of people around me that I wouldn't have without you."

Jane frowned and shook her head. "You have friends because people like you for who you are. It has nothing to do with me."

"It has everything to do with you. You're the first person who I ever thought genuinely liked me for who I really am and wasn't just putting up with me."

Jane put her hand across the table with her palm up and Maura put her hand out for Jane to hold. "Well, maybe you just weren't giving people a chance to really get to know you. Because I know a lot of people who care about you a lot and think you're awesome. That has nothing to do with me."

Maura smiled but didn't respond immediately and the conversation ended when the waitress arrived with their food.

The topic turned back to food when after one bite of her hamburger, Jane practically moaned as she said, "Oh my god, this is really good."

Maura just raised an eyebrow in response.

After a few more mouthfuls, Jane said, "I know, I know. You were right. How's your pizza?"

"Very good. Do you want to try it?" Maura offered.

"Sure."

Maura cut off a piece of pizza and put it on Jane's plate. Jane ate a bite and said, "That's good, but that is not pizza. Do you want to try my burger?"

"I have no intention of getting between you and any piece of that hamburger," Maura replied.

Jane's mouth was already full again but she managed to say, "Good one," at Maura's joke.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After the meal they headed back towards Harvard Square. As they walked away from the restaurant Jane grabbed Maura's arm and pulled it so they were facing each other. Jane leaned down and kissed Maura's lips. After a moment Maura pulled back.

"What's wrong?" Jane asked.

"There's nothing wrong. It's...surprising when you kiss me like that."

"You want me to right?" Jane asked.

Maura moved closer and put her hands on Jane's shoulders. "Yes, I do. I definitely want you to. I'm still getting used to it happening though."

Jane wasn't convinced. "Should I not do it, yet? Or ask you first? I don't know how to do this."

"No, please kiss me whenever you want to. Part of me simply feels like we're spending time together like we used to and everything feels normal, but then there's this other possibility and I haven't adjusted to that yet. I spent a long time thinking that I would never get to kiss you and now you're kissing me and it's still surprising to me. You seem to have made this transition in our relationship much more easily than I have."

"It's like I said before, something just clicked for me. As soon as I started thinking about what it would feel like to be in a relationship with you, I knew it was what I wanted. I just know when to trust my gut."

"Your gut says we should be together?" Maura asked teasingly.

"Yup."

Maura leaned in slightly like she wanted to kiss Jane again, but stopped and said, "We should go or we'll be late for the movie."

"Let's forget the movie tonight."

"What do you want to do?"

"How about we go for a walk," Jane suggested.

"Okay," Maura agreed.

Jane took Maura's hand, lacing their fingers, and set off walking south towards the Charles River. They walked east on the path between the river and Memorial Drive and then walked onto the pedestrian bridge over the Charles. Jane stopped in the middle and leaned her elbows on the railing to look towards downtown Boston. The Hancock Tower and the Prudential building were visible from this view. Below, the river shimmered as the sun was beginning to set behind them.

"I've always liked looking at Boston from the Charles," Jane said.

"It's nice."

"I like the view from the Longfellow Bridge the best."

Maura asked, "Why?"

"You're mostly just seeing the Back Bay brownstones, and you can see the weather beacon and the Citgo sign. The city just looks so promising from there." Jane was quiet for a moment before continuing, "I, uh, was standing on the Longfellow Bridge when I really figured out that I wanted, well, that I wanted you."

"What were you doing there?"

Jane sighed and said, "It was after the last time I visited Casey in rehab."

"Oh."

Jane turned toward Maura. "No, it wasn't...He told me to stop coming to visit him. He could tell I was just going through the motions though. I wanted to be a good friend and support him, but he could tell it wasn't because I was in love with him. So I left him and walked over to the bridge and I read your emails again and for the first time I really let myself think about my feelings for you. That's when I sent you that text."

"I had decided that day that I was ready to come home," Maura said. "You know, my mother told me not to give up on you."

"I don't know if that's reassuring or terrifying."

Maura slapped Jane's arm playfully and then kept her hand resting on Jane's forearm. "That day I sat on the Pont des Arts and decided I was ready to come home and see where we stood, and I decided that if I had to fight for you I would."

"When did you know you had feelings for me?" Jane asked.

"Oh, um..."

When Maura didn't say anything for a moment, Jane said. "Come on. I showed you mine, you can show me yours."

"What?"

"I mean, I just told you when I realized I had feelings for you, you can tell me the same."

"There was never one moment. It was more little things adding up over time," Maura said vaguely.

Jane persisted. "Like what?"

"Simple things like when you hold the door for me. Or you always make sure I'm included in things. When I'm with you I feel safe and protected and like if I need anything, someone is going to take care of me," Maura said and then chuckled.

"What?" Jane asked curiously.

"I sound kind of pathetic when I say it like that."

"I don't think so."

Maura's fingers played along Jane's forearm and she turned her gaze away from Jane's face and watched her fingers. "I simply mean that I like how I feel when I'm around you and it's a different feeling than I've ever had with anyone else. At first I just thought it was what having a best friend felt like. Over time I realized that it was more than friendship."

"Thanks for telling me." Jane looked around and realized it was almost dark out. "We should probably head back."

Maura nodded in agreement. They walked in relative silence back to the car and Maura drove them to Jane's apartment. Maura felt awkward again as the end of the date approached.

"Do you want to come in?" Jane asked when they pulled up in front of her building.

"I...I do, but honestly I'm still feeling jet lagged."

"It's okay. I had a really great time and we're taking things slowly, right?"

Maura nodded. "Right."

"So, I'll talk to you tomorrow. Are you going to come back to work this week?"

"I think so."

Jane smiled. "Great. So, uh, thanks for a great date. Goodnight, Maur."

"Goodnight, Jane," Maura responded as Jane got out of the car.

Jane was walking up the steps of her building when she heard Maura call her name. She turned around and Maura was getting out of the car.

Maura stood and looked over the top of the car at Jane. "I..." she started but then just bit her bottom lip and stood looking at Jane.

Jane walked back down the steps and out to the street to where Maura was standing. She leaned in, pressing Maura against the back door of the car, and threaded her fingers in Maura's hair around the back of her head. She kissed Maura's lips and Maura's lips parted and their tongues met. Maura's hands slipped around Jane's waist and she balled Jane's t-shirt in her fists as the kiss deepened. Jane's hand slid from Maura's hip across her abdomen and Maura gasped slightly.

Jane pulled back, breathing heavily, and said, "Goodnight, Maura."

Maura released Jane's shirt and said, "Yeah. Goodnight."

Jane let Maura get back inside the car and shut the door after her before going up the stairs to her building and going inside.

 


	9. Chapter 9

There were more dates. A few days after the first one, Jane put on a dress and surprised Maura with tickets to the Boston Symphony Orchestra. Maura responded later that week with tickets to a Red Sox game, and they continued in that fashion. Maura went back to work full time. On days when neither was working a new case, they had dinner, sometimes out and sometimes at one of their homes.

It wasn't long before everyone knew about the change in their relationship. One evening after work Jane had gone to the Robber with Frost, Korsak, and Frankie. When Maura arrived later and slid into the booth next to Jane, Jane had without thinking put her arm around Maura's waist and kissed her on the cheek.

Maura had looked at her in surprise and after realizing what she had done, Jane turned bright red, but then looked at everyone else at the table and simply shrugged. There was some gentle teasing from Frankie and Frost but then everyone moved on. Somehow everyone else at BPD knew they were dating within a few days.

In addition to the dates, there was a lot of kissing. Kisses hello and goodnight. Extended make-out sessions on the couch after dinner. But it hadn't progressed much further than that. Occasionally their clothed bodies would fully press against each other, but hands remained on the outside of their clothing and generally in safe locations.

On this night they went out to dinner and then back to Jane's apartment. Soon Jane had maneuvered Maura onto her back on the couch and was hovering above her as they kissed. When Jane's hand slipped under Maura's shirt and her fingers brushed against Maura's skin, Maura gasped loudly.

"Sorry," Jane said sheepishly as she sat up.

Maura sat up too and said, "No, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to react like that, you just surprised me."

"I was wondering, do you have a scar? From the kidney surgery, I mean," Jane clarified.

"Yes." Maura raised the hem of her shirt and exposed the four inch long scar above her left hip.

Jane reached out slowly and brushed her fingers over it. "Not bad."

"Does it look terrible?" Maura asked.

Jane frowned at Maura's rare outward display of vanity. "Are you kidding? You've seen my scars. Do you think they look terrible?"

"No," Maura said firmly. "But your scars are badges of honor. Reminders of your bravery."

Jane shook her head. "I didn't get my scars from being brave. I got them from being stubborn and foolish." Jane held up her hands, palms facing Maura. "I got these because I was trying to prove myself and went about it in worst possible way. I followed up on a lead without telling anyone where I was going. I thought I could save someone all by myself and didn't want to wait for backup. It was the dumbest thing I've ever done. It wasn't brave. The only reason I'm even alive is because Korsak is such a good detective and went after me once he figured out what I was doing." Jane brushed her fingers over Maura's scar again. "This one represents how selfless and giving and really brave you are. That was far braver than anything I've ever done."

Maura had listened intently as Jane talked, but now it was her turn to frown at Jane's last sentence. "That's hardly true. But I appreciate you saying that."

There was a moment of awkward silence and then Jane cleared her throat and said, "So about the whole going slow thing? In terms of, um, physical stuff, what does that mean exactly? Because I don't know what you meant, or how to tell what is okay or not. I know you were talking about our relationship in general, but I assumed you meant all aspects of it. Did you say we should go slow for my benefit? Or because you want to go slow?"

"I'm not in any rush and I don't want you to feel like I'm pressuring you into anything before you're ready," Maura responded. "Also, I suppose I was thinking that I have had a lot longer than you to think about us being together and maybe you wouldn't be ready for anything physical yet. Or ever. I would understand if that was the case, but I do want you to be honest with me about it."

The last part was said in a nervous rush and Jane smiled reassuringly. "I don't feel any pressure from you. I appreciate you being concerned and maybe I'm not ready to do everything yet, but believe me, I do want you. You're beautiful and incredibly sexy. I've always noticed that but I guess I never let myself think about it too much before. I want you, Maura. And frankly, it's been a long time for me, so I kinda feel like a horny teenager right now. Actually, a horny teenager who doesn't know what she's doing."

"When you were with Casey-?" Maura started to ask.

Jane jumped in to answer, "We didn't do anything. He couldn't, um, you know, perform, and he didn't want to do anything else."

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked about that."

Jane shrugged. "It's fine. It probably should have clued me in earlier that things wouldn't work out with him."

Maura surprised Jane by moving quickly into a position straddling Jane's lap and kissing Jane forcefully. "These are not terms I throw around lightly, but he's crazy and an idiot. You're gorgeous and I promise you that I want you in every possible way. I think you should decide how slow or fast we go. Whenever you are ready for more, I am too. You just have to tell me what you're comfortable with. In the meantime, you can feel free to touch me wherever you want to."

"Wherever I want?" Jane responded.

"Anywhere."

Jane slid both hands up under Maura's shirt as Maura leaned forward to kiss her again. As the kiss deepened, Jane's hands moved up to just below Maura's breasts.

Maura broke the kiss long enough to pull her shirt off. "Anywhere," she repeated before returning her lips to Jane's mouth.

Jane rubbed her thumbs over the satin material covering Maura's breasts. She felt Maura's nipples harden as her thumbs brushed over them and then she fully cupped Maura's breasts in her hands.

Maura leaned into Jane's touch and kissed across Jane's jaw. She put her mouth near Jane's ear and said softly, "It's been a while for me too."

"You didn't see anyone while you were in Paris?"

"The only thing I did in Paris was think about you."

Jane moved Maura onto her back on the couch. She pulled off her own t-shirt before laying down on top of Maura again, exhaling as their partially naked bodies pressed together.

Maura pulled Jane into another kiss while their hands explored the available bare skin. Jane's fingers danced across Maura's abdomen while Maura's hands roamed over Jane's back. Jane's leg was pressed firmly between Maura's legs, but when Maura's raised her thigh to press against Jane's center, Jane jerked her body up away from Maura's touch and broke their kiss.

She smiled sheepishly as she sat up again. "I guess we should stop there tonight."

"That's okay. I told you I'm not in any hurry," Maura repeated as she stood up and smoothed out her clothes.

"You could stay the night though," Jane suggested.

Maura bent down and captured Jane's lips in another kiss. When the kiss broke, Maura said, "I don't think I should. It would be difficult to not keep doing that." Maura straightened up and gathered her purse and jacket. "I'll see you tomorrow, Jane."

Maura left and Jane leaned her head back and exhaled loudly from her spot on the couch.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jane knocked on the closed door and heard, "Come in," from the other side. She entered and Casey looked surprised to see her as he said, "Jane, hi. I wasn't expecting a visting from you."

"Why not? I told you I'd come see you again."

"I didn't think you actually would."

"How are you?" Jane asked.

"Really good." Casey was sitting on his bed and now he swung his legs over the side and slowly stood up. Jane started to move toward him to help, but Casey held up his hand to stop her. He stood up completely and took a few steps toward Jane, who noted only a slight limp, until he reached her and gave her a hug.

"Wow, you're doing great," Jane said.

Casey moved back to the bed and sat down. "I'm working really hard. I've got physical therapy four or five hours a day. I get tired after a few steps on my own though, so now I'm focusing a lot on building up my strength. How are you?"

"Things are going really well. Actually, I should probably thank you, but I don't really want to. I'm came to visit because I realized I had some things I needed to say to you before I could really move on. You treated me like crap. You disappeared and then showed up again whenever you felt like it. You shut me out in every way when I was trying to be here for you. I thought we had a future together and you let me think that. I blame myself mostly, but still, you knew anytime you showed up I'd be here waiting for you and you used that."

"It wasn't like that, Jane. With my injury, I couldn't...I couldn't be with you."

"Except that you could have. It wasn't your injury keeping us apart, it was you."

Casey looked confused. "Then what did you mean when you said you should thank me?"

"You helped me realize what I was missing and what I really wanted. And what it felt like to really be wanted be someone else. I wanted you to know that the next time you show up I'm not going to come crawling back to you again."

"You're with someone else now?" Casey asked.

Jane could tell that he was surprised and maybe a little upset. "Yes."

"Who is it? Is it that Agent Dean guy?"

Jane almost laughed out loud at the question. "No, it's not him."

"Is it someone I know?"

"It's Maura," Jane said simply.

"Oh. That's...huh. And she makes you happy?"

"Yes, she does. Look, Casey, I didn't come here to tell you that. I came because I want you to know that if you need a friend, I'm here. But that's all I can ever be and I thought that if you did ever really care for me at all, you deserved to hear it from me."

"I see," was all Casey said in response.

"Is that all you have to say?"

He shrugged. "I guess so. I'm not sure what else there is to say."

Jane responded with the only thing left she could think of to say, "Goodbye Casey."


	10. Chapter 10

Jane rang Maura's doorbell. When Maura opened the door, Jane instantly was kissing her. She navigated Maura inside, closed the door behind them, and pushed Maura against the door, never breaking the kiss.

Maura was surprised but eagerly returned the kiss and pulled Jane's body against her, bringing their hips together.

Jane moved her mouth to kiss and suck on Maura's neck. Given the opportunity to catch her breath, Maura also realized she hadn't expected to see Jane this evening.

"I didn't know you were coming over. Where did you go after work?" Maura asked.

"To talk to Casey," Jane answered between kisses.

Maura pushed Jane back so she could see her face. "What? Why?"

Jane brushed her fingers over Maura's face as she said, "You really don't like him, do you?"

"I don't like how he treated you," Maura said seriously.

Jane softened and took a step back and took hold of Maura's hands. "I know and you're right. That's why I went to see him. I needed to tell him that I didn't like how he treated me either. And I needed to tell him that I wasn't going to be waiting around for him anymore. I needed to make sure that he wasn't going to be showing up anymore with his bullshit."

"Oh." Maura squeezed Jane's hands and said, "Good for you."

Jane pulled Maura back into an embrace, wrapping her arms around Maura's waist. "I love you."

"What?" Maura responded, honestly unsure if she had heard Jane correctly.

"I love you, Maura."

"I love you too."

"And I'm ready to show you how much I love you."

"You mean... you're ready...?"

"I want to make love to you," Jane stated clearly.

"But I'm not prepared," Maura responded, almost whining.

"Prepared?" Jane asked, an eyebrow raised.

"Yes, prepared," Maura repeated. "I want it to be special and I had...plans."

"I just need you, Maura."

"Don't you want something to eat first? I have leftovers," Maura said.

"Really? Do you really want to wait until you're...prepared, whatever that means?" Jane asked.

"No. I'm...when we took this step I wanted it to be absolutely perfect, but I'm being silly. Just...give me a little time to get ready. Okay? Sit down here and relax. Eat dinner if you want to. But give me a little time upstairs?"

Jane nodded. "Okay. Go do whatever you have to do. I'll wait down here."

Maura gave a quick kiss to Jane's lips. "Thank you," she said before hurrying upstairs.

The first thing Maura did was take a shower, primarily because she wanted to shave her legs. Once out of the shower she considered what she wanted to wear. She had already put a lot of thought into this and had ordered some new lingerie for this very occasion, but it hadn't arrived yet. She settled on a navy blue silk babydoll slip that only barely covered her ass, hitting her thighs only a few inches below her hips. She decided to forego putting on any panties under the slip.

Next Maura changed the sheets on her bed, putting on a new set of deep crimson satin sheets. Then she set out some candles around the room and lit them. She had imagined doing more. Flowers, maybe even music. She wanted the ambiance to be perfect. But maybe that would have been too much. Jane probably didn't want to make such a big fuss anyway.

Maura's thoughts were stopped by a knock on her bedroom door. "Can I come in?" Jane called out.

Maura hurried to the door and opened it.

"I ate and I showered and...wow...you look...wow." Jane had stepped into the room but stopped short as soon as she saw Maura. Her eyes roamed up and down Maura's body. "Wow," Jane repeated one more time. "You look gorgeous."

Maura blushed under Jane's gaze. "Thank you. I ordered something else I was planning on wearing, but it hasn't arrived yet."

"Well, this is perfect," Jane said, moving closer to Maura. She put her hands on Maura's hips and rubbed the fabric underneath her fingertips. "You're not wearing any underwear," she said.

"No," Maura responded before Jane's mouth was covering her own. Jane walked backwards, pulling Maura along, until the back of her legs hit the bed and Jane sat down.

Maura followed, kneeling on the bed and straddling Jane's lap. "I'm sorry I don't have something fancy to wear," Jane said. She was still wearing her work pants but was down to a tank top.

Maura pushed Jane backwards onto her back, leaving Jane's legs dangling over the side of the bed. "That's okay. My plan is to get you out of your clothes anyway." Maura leaned forward and kissed Jane while sliding her hands under Jane's tank top and over her abdominal muscles.

Jane's hands slid up Maura's thighs and under the slip to rest on Maura's ass, eliciting a moan from Maura as she kissed Jane. "See, we don't need anything special other than just us," Jane said.

Maura's hand moved lower and unbuttoned Jane's pants. She stood back up and pulled Jane's pants off. She hooked her fingers in Jane's underwear and looked up at Jane for permission to continue. Jane nodded and Maura finished that task.

Jane sat up and pulled off her tank top and her bra. She slid further back on the bed and Maura climbed back on top of her.

"Should I take this off?" Maura asked, gesturing to her slip.

"Not yet," Jane responded as her hands slid back under the hem of the slip to Maura's ass.

"What do you want, Jane?" Maura asked between kisses to Jane's chest.

"I...um...god," Jane moaned. Maura stopped and looked up at Jane with an eyebrow raised. "Whatever you want, Maur."

Maura returned her mouth to Jane's chest and kissed up to her neck and then whispered in her ear, "But what do you want? I want you to tell me."

"I...I want you to touch me."

Maura slid a hand down Jane's side to her thigh and pushed Jane's legs farther apart. "Like this?" Maura asked. Before Jane could respond she kissed Jane's mouth as her hand moved between Jane's legs.

"God, yes," Jane moaned, breaking the kiss as Maura's fingers slid through wetness.

"I love you, Jane," Maura said against Jane's lips.

"Jesus, Maura," Jane groaned as Maura entered her.

"I want you to feel how much I love you."

Jane's hands gripped Maura's ass as she already felt her body tightening. "I love you too, Maura. Jesus...that feels..." Maura moved her fingers up to Jane's clit. "Fuck," Jane breathed. "Jesus, Maura...almost."

After another moment Jane cried out body relaxed on the bed. Maura returned to kissing Jane's chest until Jane's pulled her up by the shoulders and said, "Tell me what you want."

Maura sat up and pulled off her slip. "I've always imagined you on top of me. Inside me. But this works too," she before leaning back down and kissing Jane.

But Jane quickly rolled them over so Maura was on her back and she was on top. "I want you to have whatever you want." She pressed her thigh between Maura's legs as she brought her lips to Maura's chest and sucked on each of Maura's nipples in turn.

"Mmmm," Maura moaned and rolled her hips so she pressed harder against Jane's leg.

Jane replaced her thigh with her hand, sliding her fingers through Maura's folds and over her clit a few times before pushing two fingers inside her.

"Oh, Jane," Maura moaned and her hands gripped Jane's waist. "Yes...yes," she continued as Jane pumped her fingers harder and faster.

"I love you," Jane said as she flicked her thumb over Maura's clit, sending Maura over the edge.

Jane kissed Maura's neck and face as she recovered. When Maura finally opened her eyes again, a smile on her face, Jane said, "That was...you're so sexy. That was amazing."

Maura surprised Jane by rolling them back over so she was on top again. "Oh, Jane, you haven't seen anything yet. I'm not even close to being done with you tonight," Maura said before beginning a trail of kisses down Jane's body.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again to everyone who followed along with this story.


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